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Welcome to England, where crime doesn’t pay … but you can pay to commit crimes!!

Hi, I’m Alan and I work for the Ministry of Justice. I’d like to take this opportunity to make you aware of some of the deals we have planned for the month of March.

Our combined burglary and assault offer is just £57 – that’s a £10 saving! Please note that if you want to purchase the right to beat a victim within an inch of his/her life, you can add that to your package for a mere £5 extra!

Drunk drivers will like our £100 package that allows you speeding near schools, honking horns near hospitals, and the death of one pedestrian. If you want to run over additional pedestrians, each one will cost you £25 extra on top of the £100 flat fee.

Lastly, we have optimum coverage for common assault. For £75 – the price of stabbing a teacher! – you can assault the person of your choice – including spouses! – and never see a jail cell.

That’s just a quick summary of some of the wonderful offers we here at the Ministry of Justice have worked hard to offer you. Curious about how to pay? We accept money orders, credit cards and debit cards. However, if you’re in a rush, you can always slip the money to the judge, provided you don’t interrupt his trial – you know how it is!

Well, that’s enough for me! I’m Alan, and it’s been a pleasure serving you. Enjoy committing your crimes! And remember – everyone has their price. £75 for stabbing a teacher ain’t half bad, and you can look forward to even better deals in the future!

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