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Ollie McAteer for Metro.co.uk

SPIDERS SPEAK OUT – After centuries of helping humans by keeping pest insect numbers down, spiders are speaking out. “We’re sick and tired of the persecution,” said one spider, who refused to be identified, taking time out from his frantic web spinning in a darkened attic corner. “Why can’t they let us be? I can count with my legs the amount of positive spider stories. Actually, I can only think of two – Robert the Bruce and the one about the pig.” He went on to describe his negative experiences with the media. “I agreed to be photographed hanging from a tree, but they insisted I stand at the bottom of a sink – it’s degrading! I’ve known friends who get stuck in those giant white tubs – never to be seen again. I wish they’d lay a towel over the side for us to climb out. Is that too much to ask?”

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