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From baffling local crimes (who even steals spoons?) to wildlife gone mad (a rogue sausage dog?), here are the most reassuringly boring local news stories from Britain this year.

From baffling local crimes (who even steals spoons?) to wildlife gone mad (a rogue sausage dog?), here are the most reassuringly boring local news stories from Britain this year. (Rob Waugh for Metro.co.uk)

Alas, the spoon thief has condemned me to this horrible fate. I stare out the window, watching the rogue sausage dog chase screaming children beneath the 24 hour street lights, desperately trying to eat soup with a fork. If I starve to death, please mail my forks and knives to my family and promise to remember me, but not my fate.

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