Harry Kane fivers worth £50,000 are now in circulation somewhere in Britain

I know how you can turn a fiver into £50,000. To learn my secret, please mail me a fiver.   Continue reading →

Farmer builds 30ft wall of hay to ‘annoy neighbours who blocked his planning permission’

He has two brothers. One brother made a wall out of sticks and the oldest brother made one out of Continue reading →

Chancellor claims driving trains is so easy ‘even a woman could do it’

  Actually, if women were driving them maybe they’d run on time for a change. I say we try it.

Rude Arrows: RAF pilot denies leaving giant penis vapour trail in sky

    A similar scene was cut from ‘Top Gun’. Producers thought it already had enough homoerotic undertones.

Brexit supporters want British passports without French words – there’s one major flaw

Furthermore, French Dressing will become just “Dressing”, French’s Classic Yellow Mustard will be shortened to “Classic Yellow Mustard”,  Gérard Depardieu Continue reading →

Boris Johnson refuses to apologise for saying women in burkas look like letterboxes

Maybe that’s true, but I remain open-minded and inclusive. I gave a woman in a burka a letter to my Continue reading →

Do you think it’s okay to interfere in someone else’s relationship?

I think you should avoid relationships altogether. They will only get you and everyone else into trouble. Divert your energies Continue reading →

Poundland starts selling things for more than £1 sparking fears that the end is nigh

Ignoring popular opinion and common sense, I bravely walked along the well-trodden Gillingham High Street. During my brief sojourn, I Continue reading →