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We live in a democracy, so I’m told. Everyone is entitled to their opinion of Brexit without shame or criticism. Now, I am not going to share my views with you; instead, in the interest of fair play, I am going to make a practical suggestion to those opposed to Brexit. If you got fed up with former PM May’s indecisiveness and struggle with Boris’s ineffective negotiations – coupled the media’s harebrained predictions, rampant rumours and malicious innuendos – then follow these simple steps to freedom.
1) Study this map carefully:
2) Familiarize yourself with these public toilets:
https://www.parliament.uk/visiting/access/facilities/toilets/
3) Now you are ready to plan your visit – and you know where the toilets are. Be aware that the UK Parliament is open to visitors year round, Monday to Saturday.
4) Once your visit is planned, copy these words to your clipboard:
I am having a poo.
I am having a poo.
I am having a poo.
I am having a poo.
I am very proud of my poo.
5) Using your favourite browser, go to Google Translator.
6) Past the words into the Translation window and select “English” (see below).
7) Press the speech button (see below) and listen carefully.
8) You now have some idea where this is going; however, your planning is far from over. Be sure to count how many public toilets there are in the House of Parliament.
9) For each and every public toilet, you translate the text into the language of an EU member state. For example, if there are five public toilets, perhaps choose France, Germany, Spain, Italy and Greece – just to name some of the more popular ones. See the example below.
10) Purchase a digital voice recorder for each public toilet in the House of Parliament. You may be alarmed by this initial expense, but remember your mission – you are subverting Brexit; the small initial cost is worth it compared to the ultimate outcome. Note: Make sure you read the instructions carefully.
11) Once you have learnt how to translate this simple but compelling English phrase into other languages, you must record each one on your digital voice recorders. Of course, remember to record the English version as well.
12) With your digital voice recorders full of English and foreign language recordings, make your way to the House of Parliament. Try to arrive early, preferably just after opening.
13) Locate the public toilets. By now, you should know them like the back of your hand.
14) Without drawing too much attention to yourself, enter a cubicle, lock the door and press play on your digital voice recorder. The language doesn’t matter, but make sure it is set to play for at least the entire duration of normal visiting hours. When you are finished, leave the recorder running and slide beneath the cubicle’s locked door. Again, try to keep a low profile. Just outside the door, you should be able to hear the digital voice recorder inside – repeating your message over and over. Double check that the door is locked from within, inaccessible to regular visitors and staff, before moving on to the next cubicle.
15) Repeat Step 14 until all of your voice recorders are planted behind locked doors. If you arrive at a cubicle and hear a foreign voice rambling on about having a poo, then you might be too late. Someone beat you to it. Don’t linger. Find another cubicle. Plant each voice recorder until you’ve run out. You are now ready to leave.
16) Upon leaving the House of Parliament, reflect on the situation. How does it feel?
Trapped on a rock floating in space 