Fish pants? Sure, I bought a pair. Two fish that is – cod. Big ones, because I’m a tall person. One on each leg – how else? Just slip them on and pull them up to your knees. Then attach suspenders to their gills and wrap them around your waist. Safe and secure. Now you’re ready for an interesting night out on the town, riding the wave of the latest hot fashion trend. Fashion is a big net that sweeps everyone up, so don’t be left out!

What’s that – cod are nearly extinct you say? So what? Since when has anything like that got in the way of fashion? To each his or her own fish, I say. And to hell with the old timers who say it’s a travesty, a crime against nature. Remember, if it doesn’t agree with anyone over the age of 30, then it’ll be a big hit with the kids. Face it – this year the school grounds will be full of fish pants. Schools of fish pants!

To be perfectly honest, walking is a chore in the fish pants, but they’re guaranteed to attract attention. Yes, unlike those famous designer labels – Dolce and Gabanna, Ralph Lauren, Armani, Calvin Klein: fancy pants, I call them – fish pants are the only pants guaranteed to draw attention like so many flies. If you’re not completely satisfied, you can return them for a different pair. They’re the catch of the day!

Good balance is essential if you’re going to wear a pair. Expect to fall a lot. And be prepared to fight off hordes of hungry cats. One incident comes immediately to mind. Walking along the fashionable streets of Milan, proudly displaying my fish pants, I was attacked from all sides. I had forgotten that the streets over there are full of cats! And people stopped and stared all right. I couldn’t understand what they were saying, since they all speak Italian over there in Italy, but I imagined them saying: “Where did he get those stunning pants?”. Or maybe: “Look at that guy getting eaten alive by cats!” ¼ or “You’re not from around here, are you?”

I know what you’re thinking – aren’t fish pants uncomfortable? Well, yes ¼ they are – extremely uncomfortable! One of the worst sensations I’ve ever experienced. But fashion before comfort!

Some people have stopped me on the street and sought argument. They’d argue that since the fish are only going up to just above my knees they are, in fact, fish socks – not fish pants. It’s a moot point. Next time I’ll either have to crouch over or buy a bigger pair.

I know what you’re thinking now. Well, let me tell you – the advantage to wearing fish pants is that you never have to wash them. They’ve already been in the water for just about their entire life. On the down side – yes, there is a downside to fish pants! – there aren’t any pockets, so be sure to bring along a purse or briefcase. But don’t underestimate the incredible international appeal of fish pants. They’re catching on like cauliflower! In England, they’re called “fish trousers”.

A word of warning to those who wish to avoid every possible fashion faux pas – don’t wear fish pants to a Greenpeace convention. They’d be about as popular as varicose veins. Remember – we’re going for cauliflower here, not varicose veins. We have to think big!

As a general rule, while wearing your fish pants, always take the elevator. Avoid the stairs. If the elevator is broken, call your boss and let him/her know that you’ll be late – by three or four hours. Out of courtesy, inform the janitor of everywhere you intend to go and everywhere you have been.

I know what you’re thinking now – it’s what makes the world go around! So let’s get right down to brass tacks – how much do fish pants cost? Well, unfortunately, you have to pay for them by the pound. Different styles, colours, and dorsal fins are available for the discriminating shopper. If you’re lucky, you’ll get taken out to see a school of pants. Then you can pick the exact pair you want, just the way it was meant to be – fresh! What could be better than fresh pants?

It goes without saying that you can never ever wear just one fish. That is a major faux pas! And don’t try wearing a fish on each arm. Fashion has its limits. You know, it’s amazing that fish pants haven’t caught on amongst fishermen. Maybe they’re too obsessed with selling fish as a form of food. Can you imagine that? An outdated concept that is sure to change. I suppose fishermen aren’t very fashion conscious to begin with – that must be why they give me those curious blank stares as I march along proudly in my new found pants.

Let’s face it – fish pants are great for hanging out at the beach. Although, once an over-zealous group of lifeguards saw me flopping around at the water’s edge and tried to save me from my own pants. On the bright side, if you go over to an attractive young lady’s house and she demands that you take off the fish pants then you’re really onto something.

You can even wall mount the pants. Friends won’t know if they’re a trophy catch or a new addition to your wardrobe. Imagine their surprise when you pluck the fish off the wall and put them on! Be sure to serve lots of drinks first.

Before I end this fashion update, there’s one last disadvantage of fish pants – they tend to rot very quickly. While the average pair of pants might last for five years – maybe more – fish pants are only good for a day or two at best. But that’s for your benefit, dear consumer. Imagine – a new pair of pants every day or two! You’ll always look stylish when you have access to a virtually limitless revolving door of fish pants. So get them while they’re fresh!

Published by Kadath Press

Chatham, UK

Copyright © 2015 Cameron A. Straughan

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please contact the publisher.

First Printing – January, 2015

ISBN: 9781311614728

A copy of this story is available in the Legal Deposit,
Library and Archives Canada

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